- The main thing to remember is that at the Exercises are not an end in themselves and don’t end with the 30 weeks. They are meant to continue on in daily life and hopefully will continue to bear fruit as you remain open to the Holy Spirit.
- What you will gain: Who knows at this point? It might be realizing to live more mindful of God constantly creating you, continually drawing you out of darkness and out of the chaos that wracks our human nature; or learning to allow the necessities in your own self and in your own life world to give the basic shape to your life, a mindset once called patience or resignation and considered holy; or coming to be a friend of Jesus Christ or deepening in that friendship.
When I began the Spiritual Exercises back at the end of September, I was given a handout by my spiritual director about the Spiritual Exercises. Above are two of the things said about the Exercises, and something about which I posted when I first began this blog back in December here.
So now looking back over the course of what was really eight months, as this past Wednesday, the Exercises ended informally (a formal end will take place next Wednesday), what have I gained, if anything? I awoke this morning at 4 a.m., wondering if I had learned anything. In some ways, I feel like I’m still where I was when I first began. Yesterday, I worked on continuing to set up a reading blog I have for most of the day and I’m not sure if once I thought of God. As I shared with my spiritual director this past week, it sometimes is the same when I’m running out on trails. I can run for hours out in God’s nature and only after three-quarters of the run do I think of God. Much of the time, my wind wanders aimlessly, or with no thought but putting one foot in front of the other, the only thought with what is coming around the next bend.
As I write that, I realize that from a psychological view, I sometimes try to see too much what is coming around the next bend, instead of living in the now, being open to the Holy Spirit. Where is my career as a writer– or right now virtually lack of one, only eking out an existence as a part-time correspondent for a daily newspaper and an erstwhile blogger with four blogs on a variety of subjects– going? I’ve been thinking about the diaconate after a member of the RCIA team with which I came into the church recently asked if I had ever thought about it (I hadn’t). Does God want me to join a third order? Which one? The Franciscans? The Benedictines? The Carmelites? The list, not only of third orders, but of questions in regards to other things, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, goes on and on.
I realize how much of an unfinished person I am in all those areas.
Over the past eight months, I’ve learned, am still learning, that as much as I try, that is part of the problem: I try, instead of allowing God to work in my life. And by that, I don’t mean a passively sitting by and not doing anything, although sometimes to be honest, that’s what I feel like I’m doing or not doing. But what it means is being open to the Spirit’s leading and also being more aware of when the Spirit is leading. I can be open to the Spirit’s leading, but if I’m not aware of when the Spirit is leading, then I’m missing it.
The conundrum is, though, how do I become aware of where the Spirit is leading? I think one way, and if there’s one thing maybe I have learned from the Spiritual Exercises, is through setting aside a time for God each day and meditating on the Scriptures. On those days I set aside that time, even if it is only for a few minutes, but especially if it is a bit longer than that, I seem to be more aware, even more alive, to what God is saying to me that day. And just so you don’t think I’m crazy or some fanatic, I don’t mean an audible voice either. I mean, being open to seeing God, seeing Christ, in the people and circumstances I encounter — even if the people aren’t Christians or the circumstances don’t seem to reflect God.
I recently read another blogger who also finished the Spiritual Exercises and he wrote of all the things he would continue to do after the Spiritual Exercises. So what will I continue to do after the Exercises? I don’t know. I do know that if I make promises and try, it won’t work. I’m not going to say I will commit an hour each day to devotions, because even during the past eight months, I haven’t done it.
Lord, I will try, no, I will let Your Spirit lead where it wants me to go. I will allow myself as much of a cliche as it is, to let go and let You. All my trying hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Amen.
