Looking back on the last 40 years of my life

During the bombing raids of WWII, thousands of children were orphaned and left to starve. The fortunate ones were rescued and placed in refugee camps where they received food and good care. But many of these children who had lost so much could not sleep at night. They feared waking up to find themselves once again homeless and without food. Nothing seemed to reassure them. Finally, someone hit upon the idea of giving each child a piece of bread to hold at bedtime. Holding their bread, these children could finally sleep in peace. All through the night the bread reminded them, “Today I ate and I will eat again tomorrow.”

Linn, Dennis et. al, Sleeping with Bread

Each Monday, a small group of ladies participate in the meme Sleeping with Bread, started by Mary-Lue and based off the book. As Mary-Lue describes it in her introduction, just as “the orphans held on to what nourished them and were thus able to sleep peacefully at night, the examen, based on the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius, helps a person hold onto what spiritually nourishes him by looking at what is giving him consolation in his life or causing him desolation. It allows someone to express his gratitude to God for the good stuff and turn to him for solace for the bad stuff.”

So with that in mind, today I’m going to participate in the meme but with a slightly different perspective.

Last week I celebrated my 40th birthday and I thought it would be good to turn this week’s examen toward those first 40 years of my life (I hope there’s a second 40, to be honest). In another twist, I’m going to use all of Mary-Lue’s suggestions for questions.

For what am I most grateful? My faith, my family, starting with my wife, my mother and father, my sister, my brother-in-law, my nephew, my friends (the few I have), and my cat. Yes, in that order. Being able to be taught by a number of good teachers over the years, graduate from high school and college, to marry my wife, work for a number of weekly newspapers and contribute positively to the communities on which I was reporting, complete a 25-mile trail hike with over 5,000 feet of total elevation gain a couple of years ago. Least grateful? That I’ve procrastinated much of my first 40 years of life away, worked for too long in one place when I should have gotten out years ago.

When did I give and receive the most love? When I was younger. The least love? As I’ve grown older.

When did I feel most alive? Five years ago, running in races regularly. Most drained of life? Now.

When did I have the greatest sense of belonging? Esprit de corps was highest when I was in college, part of a literary arts magazine, and also a few years ago when I belonged to a group online with SparkPeople. Least sense of belonging? Ironically, at our church. Not any real connections there with the people.

When was I most free? If as Janis sang and Kris wrote, “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose,” then I guess I was most free when I graduated from high school, with the world at my fingertips. Least free? Everything to lose after college and I didn’t gain much then, except a good intern experience at a newspaper and the love of my mom and day who took me in for a few years.

When did I feel most fully myself? In the woods on the Bald Eagle Mountain Megatransect  (that trail hike) two years ago. Least myself? Right now.

When did I feel most whole? Shortly after getting married. Most fragmented? After college, not knowing what I was going to do. I feel slightly less fragmented now, still unsure of what direction God has for my life.